On August 6th 2011 my darling left us to join his whanau in heaven. Since then our kids and I have gone through a whole series of emotions ranging from guilt, to anger, to grief. Bill enjoyed the simple things in life, he lived in humility and dignity and we his family miss him dearly and we always will.
We celebrated our youngest sons 14th birthday on Sunday July 31st. Just a whanau lunch with all the trimmings. Everything was as usual, nothing out of the ordinary. Bill seemed to be really good. Monday night Bill seemed a little more uncomfortable than usual, wakeful all night and just not his normal self. Tuesday he was very very tired and didn’t have the energy to get out of bed or to have a break off his bi-pap. Didn’t want to eat either.But still nothing that we hadn’t dealt with before. I was on the phone to the hospice nurses that night, they told me what to do to make him more comfortable and this worked for a while but again he had a sleepless night. Wednesday his physio came and gave him a bit of a pep talk about going to his GP and just having a check over. It was at this point that I figured something was different this time around. He refused to let me call the Doctor he didn’t want to end up in hospital for the weekend because the All Blacks were playing on Saturday night and he was bound and determined to watch the game on his own tv. By Friday he hadn’t slept in 3 days, he wasn’t in pain just very uncomfortable (at least that’s what he told me). In hindsight I don’t think he was being completely truthful to us. By Friday he was still refusing to let me take him to the hospital, and all Friday night I was up with him and he was talking like I hadn’t heard him talk before. First light Saturday morning he said to me…..”take me to the hospital, I want to go to sleep” BIG RED FLAG WENT UP….he hated the hospital! One of our sons and I took him to the hospital, another son followed in his car his car. Our two youngest kids were with their older brother and we phoned them before we left for the hospital. We weren’t at the hospital more than a half an hour, he was in the middle of describing to the nurses what was happening with him when he closed his eyes and from there all hell broke loose. He was rushed into recus: I had sent my son outside to phone his siblings to hurray up and get there and while he was outside the Drs asked that dreaded question: Mrs Gardiner, what would you like us to do? Bill had a note on his file that said he did not want to be resuscitated. We had discussed this very scenario on many different occasions and Bill was determined that he did not want that. I went against his wishes and said yes, do what you have to…..doctors came running from all directions and that's when my son came back in the room and said “Mum, dad didn’t want this.” As it turns out the Drs had already determined that no amount of work on Bill was going to bring him back and so Bill beat us all to the punch and took his own destiny in his hands and he passed quietly and thankfully without having to endure the invasiveness of medical intervention. While it seemed like hours in actual fact it was only a matter of 10 or so minutes that this all happened.
It is coming up 3 months now and I am now at peace with things. Guilt…….it has the power to bring you to your knees!
Guilt in the first instance because I said “yes” when Bill said “no” And then guilt because I should have carried through even when my son came in and said don’t do it mum. And then guilt because I didn’t take action earlier and insist that Bill go to the ‘doctor or the hospital…..the emotions that hit you are incredible. I am fortunate that the same kids that Bill and I have moaned about in many of our previous posts have been my rocks these past months. They supported the decisions I made and in most cases were all involved in the decision making process so as I reflect back I am convinced that I did all I could do and Bill went as would have liked to,with a calm dignity that blew us all away.
His tangi and funeral was a testament to Bill the man, the husband, the dad, the brother, the uncle,the son and friend. So many people attended over the course of the 3 days, my kids and I and our family were overwhelmed by it all.
The haka above was performed by many of the boys who Bill managed, or coached over the years at the club. This is our club haka and never was I so proud of it as I was this day.
I have no doubt that over the coming months my kids and I will face any number of issues but I have faith that Bill is flying up there with the angels and if he thinks we need him he’ll give us a gentle nudge with his angel wings and point us in the right direction. I have 3 big milestones coming up next year, no 2 son turns 21 (so big party) if he has anything to do with it, No 1 son is getting married (so another big party) If his brothers have anything to do with it lol, and of course Bills unveiling.
To all the people who have been following our blog, thanks so much for your generous support over the years. It is my intention to keep the blog up and running, if I can help anyone going through what we went through via this forum I am happy to do it.
Much love to you all from the Gardiners!
2 comments:
Tears in my eyes reading this Erin. We have talked quite extensively since Bills passing & this is a lovely tribute to him. Always here for you. Lots of love, Jamie
I, also, have tears trying to fall. I only hope that my passing is as poeaceful. I know you had difficulty fulfilkling Bill's wish but, us MNDrs will be grateful, I am sure, that our suffering has ended.Good Luck with the parties. My daughter's wedding in Dec is keeping me going...x
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